Kare For Peace

PHOBIA! Exhibition! Fri Oct 13th - 22nd....

2006-10-02T19:31:00.000+10:00

Hi guys,
another reminder, i know

Exhibition: PHOBIA (Group) Art Gig
Where: CBD Gallery, 99 Elizabeth St., Brisbane (above Govindas Restaurant)
Opening Time: Friday, Oct 13th, 7pm
Duration: Fri, Oct 13th - Sun, Oct 22nd (12-6pm daily, excluding the 13th).
Cost: $5 entry, pay at the door.

*This is a drug & alcohol-free event.

Come along and support some quality local talent! We need you!!

We got a house!

2006-10-02T19:29:00.000+10:00

sorry for the late response.. we got one of the houses! (one with green fence out front!)
we move this thursday! thank god! couldnt imagine being homeless..

Applications

2006-09-26T06:08:00.000+10:00

we put in our applications for one of the houses yesterday afternoon. i asked the real estate agent if anyone had yet handed in an application for the house and he said no, but then added "keep in mind we dont do first in-best dressed.. we accept the application with the best income and background. and even though we should be alright, i cant help but wonder why the agent told me this.. a simple "no, no one has applied for the house" would have done.

so now, we have to wait 24-48 hours to find out if weve been accepted or not and meanwhile, time is ticking on and we still havent found a house to move into! im growing so anxious because we have exactly 10 days to be out by. its better than 5 days.

i just want to get out and not be the one causing any upsets for other people! This house will be perfect for us for 6 or 12 months. cross your fingers - we really need to get out of this house asap otherwise the real estate and new owner are going to be sooo upset and i am just hoping like hell we wont have to write on any applications in the future that we were once evicted in the past!

eek.

finding a new home

2006-09-23T08:32:00.000+10:00

we now have just under 2 weeks to vacate our home and move into another.

our house was sold a few weeks ago and the new owners want to move in right away. we have until the 5th of october to vacate!

maybe we are just hippies and take our time with this stuff, but we havent yet found a new home and the new owners are becoming very worried that we plan on staying here for good. they came through our home yesterday and the lady asked "havent you started packing?" and i said "oh no, not yet. but we will very soon. I just need some boxes."

i think they are worried. oops!

there are however, two homes we looked at yesterday a bit closer to the city than where we are now thankfully (and nearer to both our parents).

here is one... which we both love..

and the other, which we also love....

i have an inspection through both houses on monday morning - hopefully no one has applied for them before then and we can submit an application for one of them on monday afternoon.. i am soo hoping that no one else applies!

cross your fingies for me :)

i think its all up to date

2006-09-23T08:08:00.001+10:00

i didnt blog much since finding out i have PND, but the blog should be more up to date now atleast.
some wonderful, painful and really important things have happened over these last few months and atlast i finally feel as though i am getting back to "me".

home sweet home.

overcoming hurt and fear

2006-09-23T08:08:00.000+10:00

i have a few people i know who when i see them, my tummy ties up in knots.. for fear that they wont like me and for fear of being befriended and hurt. what do you do when you try to get along with people, for another friends sake, but it just isnt working? you steer clear of those people who make you feel down and less of a person, am i right? what if you need to see these people ona regular basis?

i have been trying for some time now to overcome this. though each time i meet up with these people, i freeze up inside. i cant be myself and i get scared and dont know what to say. i would like to tell them how they hurt me when they say things or presume things about me but i dont want to cause any trouble.

i need to find a place inside me, my own little buddha, who can calm my nerves and bring back the peace.

this is going to take some time..

my happy pants

2006-09-23T08:07:00.000+10:00

i just want to tell you about my happy pants. these pants mean so much to me. they inspire me, keep my warm and they tell others a little bit about me, for example, that i love bright colours or that i love comfy clothing!

my happy pants are bright blue and frayed at the ends. they're made of cotton and they have a tie around the waist. you fold the top down once the belt is tied and it has a funky pattern embroidered around the waist!

these are my happy pants, formally a pair of fishermans pants. but i have made them happy

if you see my happy pants, tell them i said "i love you".

bringin' it home..

2006-09-23T08:06:00.000+10:00

am soo feeling myself again lately! i just want to make it down to byron and feel the water, receive smiles and happiness from others around me. my love goes out to tahne, who is expecting her little bundle to arrive soon. my huge thanks goes to trude for her inspiration and encouragement throughout difficult times! MWA x

over the last year i have gone from knowing and loving who i am, to losing sight of all things beautiful. depression is an ugly enemy and i am trying to beat the drugs and fight it off naturally. meanwhile, feeling more myself more recently and it feels sooo good to be heading back home!!

my love to all.

new art website up and running...

2006-09-23T08:05:00.001+10:00

www.visualartist.info/freebeatstudios

this is my website where you can view my art (under KARE).

two very good friends also share the site, they are Trudy Rowe and Wez.

Our next group exhibition will be held at LEVEL 3, 99 ELIZABETH ST., BRISBANE

7-11PM, 13TH OCTOBER - $5 ENTRY.

please come along and support some great local talent!!

getting back to where i once was...

2006-09-23T08:05:00.000+10:00

got my nose repierced on friday. its only a baby stud but its amazing how different it is to the last few times ive had it pierced. the first two times i had it done, i would get this huge pain that would travel right up the bridge of my nose whenever i laughed or smiled. and i thought, maybe its just not meant to be!

the first time i had it done, it fell out after only 2 weeks.

the second time it happened, i had only had my nose pierced for about a week and i kept bumping it and an absys developed. sooo... they removed the stud, put some cream on the absys which disolved it, then repierced the same piercing a few days later... OUCH. the absys came back and wouldnt go away, so i took the stud out in the end, too painful to keep it up.

third time, i got them to pierce my nose with a 16 gage ring. the guy piercing my nose said "ive never had a chick in here game enough to have a 16 gage hole in her nose!" that one lasted a few months, but one morning the end of the ring (it wasnt a closed-off ring) had twisted around and got caught in a lace pillowcase at my mums place - the ring was barely in my nose anymore and it was red and sore. tried pushing it back in, but there must have been a nerve nearby because i started to get that same sharp pain up the ridge again when i tried to put it back in.. so my efforts failed and alas, no more ring in my nose.

its been a few years.

i head back to the piercing shop. she says "okay, we're going to try something a little different to see if this turns out better than the last few ways." she tells me she isnt going to pierce the nose as high as she usually does. obviously i have a nerve in that spot and that's why my nose is so agitated to a piercing.

so she pierced lower than usual, though you cant tell.. and wait for it - no nerve pain!.... well, not yet anyway lol

----------------------
okay, alot of trouble to go to for a nasal piercing. alot of people would have given up long time ago. but this piercing.. to me it symbolises something far beyond explanation in some sense. i first had it done during a difficult period of my life for which i wanted something to symbolise change, even a time of personal growth.

so while it seems silly to some, its a very important part of what i have been through, a symbolic treasure that is very personal, it reminds me that i can get through most things if i just believe in the person that i really am, have some courage and a little faith that everything will work out and be okay

im so glad i am finally getting back to my roots again....

ayla oaktree

2006-09-23T08:04:00.000+10:00

as much as its exciting that Ayla becomes older and more active every day, i dont want her to grow up!!

my baby turns 1 tomorrow :( and its predictable, that she will keep on getting older, of course.. but shes so little and crawling around saying "dadda", "mum-mum", the occassional "me" and what sounds like "ayla".....

we all continue to grow until we die, yet we never talk about how we grow as adults. we only associate growing with babies.

everyone grows every day, whether its a part of your personality growing, your feet or even your hair (well, its true isnt it?!)

i just want to cuddle ayla and know that she is going to be safe always. and as she gets older the risks of something ever happening to her get bigger and as a parent, i just want to be there to protect her.

its not a great feeling. i know she will grow and do what she wants and needs to do, though i just want to keep her away from the rest of the world..

my baby.

when i grow up..

2006-09-23T08:03:00.000+10:00

715am.. ayla just threw her bottle on the ground. she is still rubbing her eyes so i put her back in her cot to see if she will go back to sleep for a little longer.

today is a beautiful day. birds are out, its overcast (though the rain is just as nice as the sun in its own right) and its peaceful here.

too early for traffic still.... heh.

i think my time at the nearby child care centre is nearly up as all staff are back from holidays and they have been cutting my hours back. i will still give them a call today and let them know im available for work this week, though not sure if they will offer me any.

at the end of the year im hoping to get some interviews with schools or kindergartens and see if i can do some teacher aide work a few days a week. usually work is for a few hrs each day you work so im hoping ayla wont need to go off to a child care.. hopefully she can stay with family!

funny, its fine working in a centre, but you DO get your baddies.. makes you think "my baby is never coming in here"... just because you learn so much about the place.

nothing wrong with the carers of course, but i have seen some of them lose their wits under the pressure of a screaming child and have seen some nasty stuff already. i love working with the kiddies, they come out with some funny stories and teach me things all of the time, but seeing a carer lose their patience over a child not eating their lunch fast enough - you wonder at all why they dont have more carers in a centre, or cut the number of children down and build more centres.

that, or weed through the short tempered staff and say "strike 1"..

i had a little boy scream at me the other day because he was on the swing for half an hour and had all of his friends waiting in a big line to use the swing. they were pretty agitated and complaining to all the staff that this little boy wouldnt give them a turn.

i ask him to stop the swing, he doesnt. so i stop it myself and tell him that he has had a big turn on it, that he can have another turn later but right now hes friends need a turn..

he swings his arms and legs around and screams at me "YOU ARE NEVER COMING TO MY HOUSE AGAIN! " as he storms off kicking bark and anything else in his path..

the other carers look at me laughing and say "do you know him?"

and i tell them "no.. ive never met him before....."

its the child, learning from watching their parent do something at home, understanding that this is the way their parents deal with these situations and acting them out themselves when they feel necessary..

the act of learning to be a grown up.

Exhibition "Phobia"

2006-09-23T08:02:00.000+10:00

Exhibition Opening Fri, Oct 13th - 7pm, $5 entry.
Lvl 3, 99 eliz st., bris - above hare krishna restaurant.
----------------
Afterwards..
The Zoo, Valley - Love Outside Andromeda, $16 entry
woooo cant wait!! first valley gig im going to since having ayla ;)

would love LOVE love to see some briscrew - missin you madly!! x

hey now.

2006-09-23T07:54:00.000+10:00

first of all, greatest appologies for not writing often enough!

ive dealt with a bit the last few months but finally, am feeling more myself.
i am off medication, im trying to beat depression without tablets.

i have started meditation again and am starting to feel happier, lighter.
the next few posts are more of a catch up.

i hope i can resume this, where i left off.

kare
MWA x

not just the baby blues

2006-06-14T06:51:00.000+10:00

i called the clinic again yesterday and told the receptionist that it was important i speak to the dr as soon as possible, she could have easily hung up the phone, though instead she managed to push the appointments back a bit to allow for me.

the dr has started me on medication "lexpro" to treat post natal depression and has asked that i visit her or a councilor who deals with PND fortnightly or as needed. she has asked that i remain on the medication atleast 6 months while i sort through my problems, then she will break the dosage down so i can ween off the medication.

she asked several questions about my childhood, ayla's birth, my relationships with MIL, my mother and my partner and at the end concluded that i have alot of problems i need to sort out.

she said her main concern is my support network - i havent got one. ive got my sister who i can talk to about anything, though the dr. said that one person isnt even enough for someone with no problems. she insisted that i seek out a local mothers group and make new friends in the community - people who can help me overcome the depression and get out of the house a little each week.

since having ayla, most of my friends have moved interstate or simply have nothing in common with me anymore - so they stopped visiting and stopped returning my calls.

the dr. asked me to tell my partner that i have PND and to ask him to try and understand that i need support NOW. also to tell mum and MIL that i need their support, but not overly, just enough that i can talk to them about things and get some comfort.

she asked a series of questions about my mum and why i cant talk to her about things. my mum was raised to NOT talk to anyone about personal problems because no one would help.. and although she knows that people need to seek help she doesnt know how to show any emotion because of the way she was raised. in other words, i can be crying on the opposite side of the table to her and telling her that i dont feel anything for my baby and she will begin to tell me about the specials down at the local butchers shop.

another reason i probably need counciling.

i also study full-time and work anywhere from 6-20 hrs a week - that in which my dr said will probably have to cease for a bit so my stress and anxiety levels can drop down.

how hard is it, when your partner comes into the room and you are sitting down, staring into thin air and he says "how long has the baby been crying for?"

sorry... i need someplace to just.... let go.

2006-06-12T06:57:00.000+10:00

i must appologise for my lack of writing as of late. too many things needed to get done and i had hardly no time to relax througout that period of time. lately, those daunting, awful feelings and thoughts have returned to me again and the aren't leaving me with much peace of mind. i was on the verge on the weekend of packing my bags and leaving mika and ayla alone. i cannot explain these feelings clearly, i myself feel so muddled with confusion. although i love both of them so very much, my head was telling me that im not needed, i never was to put it bluntly.

so many more things are now haunting my thoughts. it is time for me to seek help.

my own mother and father havent cared about me since ayla arrived. when they call, their first words are "hows the baby?" and they never once ask me how i am doing/feeling or what i am experiencing. people always visit and run straight to ayla and i feel as though i am not here anymore. its not jealousy - just... i feel so forgotten - like a blank space.

mika openly tells me he loves ayla way more than he loves me, that it will never change. to see him give our baby his utmost affection makes me happy, and at the same time i want to scream and escape from this life.

he asks me if i would prefer him to love me more than our baby, my thoughts are again confused and i think to myself "well, no.. but some affection and support would be nice" and he says "ive never been good at showing much affection, you know that"... yet whenever it comes to the baby, he can show it so openly and easily. unloved, like that blank space.

my mother and his mother constantly take the baby off me whenever i am trying to comfort or soothe ayla. they say "here, give her to me" and i say "no, its okay. i want to cuddle her"... but they take her from my arms. needless to say i feel like a failed mother more than ever, i cannot even soothe my baby.

i cry every few days, not being able to see the logic in anything and again come to the conclusion that i need to leave - yet i never could as my love is too great for ayla.. i need her.

i have these horrible thoughts, i cant get away from them.. if mika and i were to seperate, all i can think is how his family would fight me to take ayla from me... and i cant bear it - just the thought... and yet i cant stop thinking about it either.

i feel like pushing everyone away that comes near her.. failed and exhausted.. there is no logic in it all and i feel like i am suffering - everyone is bonding with ayla except for me.. and im scared.

exhibiting...

2006-04-27T19:43:00.000+10:00

(excuse the fact this is also posted on the art blog!)

There are currently four of us, trying to decide on particular dates for our first group exhibition. We are possibly looking at August 2006.

Alot has to be descussed and arranged at the moment and details are etchy. Instead of asking for nothing for my brithday just gone, I am really wishing I had asked for more art supplies instead! But, on with the show.

For this exhibition I need to set some personal and spiritual goals. I've only been waiting a 4-5 years to find a good group of artists who would exhibit their works with mine.

We are going against the grain. Galleries in town want $800 minimum, per artist who has never exhibited, before accepting them to host their own exhibition in a space no bigger than my bathroom.

This is our dream. A travelling exhibition, perhaps a few times each year.

To vent all of our creative frustration.
To challenge mainstream artists with our paintbrushs and canvas'.
To encourage affordable exhibitions for us artists who are poor.
To bring creativity, enlightment and entertainment into your lives via artworks.
To have fun, dance in the good vibes and smile in the sunshine.

Come join us!

More details to come.....

My Art Blog

2006-04-22T07:29:00.000+10:00

Hello, a quick message.
I have started a blog for myself, specifically for art related things! It might include info on other artists works, websites, links, images of my art and others, and maybe even some poetry!

You can either click on the TITLE of this post.. or

You can click on "MY ART BLOG!" in the right hand list of links.

Hopefully, be back to add to this later!
mwa xo.

kare.

2006-04-15T08:52:00.000+10:00

almost a month since my last posting. things are just becoming crazy-hectic around here lately. im now working for a nanny agency in the city, by that i mean that they employ me to care for a family and their children permenant par-time, which is what i wanted to do in the first place. so im pretty happy with that.

we went to a friends for dinner and drinks lastnight. they announced they were now engaged. made a point of saying "now there are two couples within the group getting married, all the other males are just slack!"

funnily enough i think everyone pretty much knows that mika and i will never marry and i think the comment was directed at all the other males in mika's group of friends - though strangely enough - none of them have girlfriends.... leaving just mika and myself... hmm.

so.. ayla is 7 months now, as of yesterday. she isnt yet sitting up on her own or crawling, but getting a little closer each day. chubba bubba.

must go. sorry again for the amount of time between the last post and today.

mwa to all,
kare xo

the time limit.

2006-03-24T01:55:00.000+10:00

it is 1.55am.

my uncle found out 3 days ago, that he has severely cancerous, very aggressive tumours on one of his lungs, fast spreading to the other.

he met with a board of specialists yesterday in a hospital in brisbane, who proceeded to tell him that he had 4-6 weeks, 6 months with chemo.

i am very worried for my aunt, who has just been told her kidneys are failing her. she is meant to have one major test done, so they can see if dialysis is necessary. though my aunt wants to make sure my uncle will make it.

we dont think she is coping... few dont know if she will survive without him.

what is worse? dying without the chance to say goodbye, or having enough time that everyone mourns for the remainder of your time?

i had a terrible dream.

i had cancer. and i was crying in mikas arms because i would never get to see ayla grow up. my mum and mikas mum, both came over and started clearing out the fridge and doing the washing, quipping

"they wont live here after everything, they will want to move house. so we have to clear everything out."

i do love my uncle, we arnt close but he is a being and he shares these feelings just like the rest of us. in having this dream, i am fully awakened to everything now. and i cant help but think, its far better to not know.

my mum is an emotional wreck at the moment when she talks about it. get her on another topic and she is okay. she is close to her brother, so this is going to be hard for her.

mum has had a tough year. late last year her best friend had a breast removed due to breast cancer, they thought they missed some, it turns out the cancer has now spread to her arms and hands, virtually un-removable. they have put her on a double dosage of chemo, though it is really knocking her body around to the point where she isnt even sure what she is fighting, the cancer or the effects of chemo anymore.

one of mums sisters is also now in remission after having throat cancer last year.

i think mum is really scared. i think having 3 people in her life around her age, effected by cancer, she has realised that sometimes we have to let go.

i dont know how to write it, how to say it and when i think it, i can't bare the thought of it, but i think through all of this, mum somehow feels like her time will be ending soon too?

and it breaks my heart to think that these people and their loved ones are pulled through this circle to the end.

it is 2.21am.

what will i be in 5 years time

2006-03-14T04:14:00.000+10:00

A mother,
A mother to a beautiful 5 year old,
Loved,
Older, more wiser,
A child carer,
A hippie mama weeding her vegie garden on cold winter mornings,
A good listener, sitting on my verandah saying manis for all the troubled people,
Rich with compassion for others

i'm only human.

i can only try.

i miss old friends

2006-03-11T13:41:00.000+10:00

more and more, i miss my old friends each day.

just want to say that i love you, i hope you have much happiness and
you are well looked after.

``````````````**************~~~~~~~~~~**~**~**

X.O

Has anyone seen Capote?

2006-03-11T07:35:00.000+10:00

If you haven't and you'd like to, please don't take what I'm about to say into consideration.. This is just my opinion upon thousands who have loved the movie...

Don't read ahead if you haven't seen this movie!!

I thought it was okay, though I didn't love-love it. Phillip Seymore Hoffman, who played the gay-writer Truman Capote did a great job, for sure. Though I didn't think he deserved a best actors award. His part was good, though I wasn't blown away by it.

For one, I think I was most upset at how Capote used one of the prisoners to get a 'good story' out of him. He told one of the prisoners "I'm your friend" constantly and "I am writing a book about what a good person you are." After years of visiting this one prisoner and forming what you really think is a strong friendship, the prisoner is sent to hang and requests that Truman Capote, his friend, comes to say goodbye.

Truman says he doesnt want anything to do with him. He has named his book 'In Cold Blood' - about the viscious murder of a Kansas family, detailing just how vulgar the two prisoners are.

His so called friend, the prisoner is upset and asks Truman "Did you really name your book that? I thought you were going to help us.." to which Truman replies "I'm your friend. My book doesnt have a title yet and I wouldn't lie to you.."

When the death penalty is appealed, Truman Capote starts getting worried. He needs the murderers to hang, to have the perfect ending for his book... Some friend.

The prisoners are sent to hang and Capote arrives with his "Your my best friend and I did everything I can" teary speech (But of course, that is utter crap!)

He watches them hang, returns to his hotel where he calls his friend Harper Lee and tells her how dreadful it was and how he did everything he could... to which Harper replies "No you didn't!"

Sorry, I have given so much of it away, but I can't fall inlove with a movie based on someone as un-compassionate as him. I feel sorry for his troubles he had in life, though I do not see him as a great man for writing a book, by betraying others.

I also understand that to write a good book you need to do your research well. In that case, wouldnt it have been better to remain at a professional distance to the prisoners? He thought if he could get that little bit closer to them, he could understand them more, know exactly what happened during the night of the murders and what caused them to do it. Well, he got his book. And he claimed to have lost a good friend out of it, though that is up to you when you watch it for yourself.

Job offer

2006-03-06T09:47:00.000+10:00

last week a lady who sits behind me in tafe introduced herself to me.

her name is jodie. she is one of the group leaders in a care program, she takes care of children in primary school after school ends each day, until their parents can pick them up.

she said that alot of people at the centre who do the afternoon shifts are terrible with the children and have no patience for them

and she is trying to help her boss filter through the workers so they can get rid of the impatient people.. so they end up with a group of lovely staff.

i told her i might be interested in working 1 or 2 days a week in after school care, if it means i can still have all morning at home with ayla, so she took my name and number.

i didnt think any more of it.

this morning about 8, i got a call. "hello kerrie, this is amanda and i work at kruger after hours school care. i was wondering if you would be able to help me out by doing a shift at the centre this afternoon? im sorry about the short notice, we are really short staffed and i was wondering if you might be able to help me out?"

i said i couldnt (unfortunately) as mika is at work and i have ayla at home with me.. she said "Jodie from your class told me you were a really nice person and i need new staff who are genuinly nice and care for children. i may have a few days work for you each week, if you are you interested?"

i said i was and she said that if i can, could i please hand in a copy of my resume as soon as possible, she will organise an interview for me and would love to take me onboard.. she asked about ayla and if i would be okay working and i told her that ayla has two loving nanna's who would fight over time with her, and she said that ayla sounds like a very lucky baby..

the call totally took me by suprise.. ayla and i danced around the room when i hung up he he

dream #102

2006-02-28T06:42:00.000+10:00

i was away at some wierd camp, and all these girls, we all had our own rooms to sleep in.

when i went into my room i walked up to the bed and had a jungle behind the bedhead, no wall... so i could just walk from my room into this jungle...

i moved something in my room and i realised there was this huge spider there.. he was massive... i had ruined his web when i had moved the object.... so he was pretty upset with me and started climbing on the bed

i ran out and my sister and her bf were there and i told them and asked andrew if he could get the spider out of the room and he said "dude i hate spiders.. but i will try"

we all went back into the room and the spider was on the floor. andrew got a piece of paper and was trying to get the spider onto the paper.. everytime the spider got on, he would scream and drop the paper and the spider..

my sister and i started laughing at him saying "your such a pansy, just get it out!" and he got cranky at me .. he said "yeh? well if im such a pansy you deal with it!" and he grabbed the spider with his hand and threw it at me.....

i woke up as soon as he threw it.. mika was sitting up reading....he thought i was wierd.. i just sat right up and started searching the bed and under the pillow for the big hairy spider lol

he didnt tell me that ayla was sleeping between us... and i felt her arm and i screamed... i thought it was the spider ...

and because i was so groggy when i woke up, mika said "can you put ayla back to bed now that she is asleep?" and when i put her in her cot i stood beside it making sure no spiders were in there with her for about 10 mins lol

Eliminating Disease.

2006-02-25T11:11:00.000+10:00

In Australia, in the ten years between 1989 and 1998 there were 581 recorded deaths from disease preventable by vaccines on the current childhood immunisation scheduleL

440 deaths from hepatitis B
88 deaths from Haemophilus Influenzae type B
1 death from diphtheria
19 deaths from measles and its late complication (subacute sclerosing panencephalitis - SSPE)
14 deaths from pertussis
3 deaths from mumps
16 deaths from tetanus

(Commonwealth Department of Health & Aged Care 2003:3.)

A disease such as measels is often looked on by people as being a mild childhood illness. Unfortunately, many people are unaware of the dangers of complications associated with measles (and other so called childhood illnesses).

According to information from the Australian Government Department of Health & Ageing http://immunise.health.gov.au/measles.htm (20 Jan 2004), pneumonia occurs in one in every 25 cases of measles and approx. one child in every 2,000 who contracts measles will develop inflammation of the brain (encephalitis).

For every ten children who contract measles encephalitis, one will die and up to four will have permanent brain damage. More deaths were caused in Australia by measles in the 15 years prior to 1998 than diphtheria, whooping cough and tetanis combined.

Immunisation of as much of the population as possible, is the only way over time to ensure the eradication of these diseases.

dream #101

2006-02-25T07:50:00.000+10:00

so our minds run rampant with us when we are sleeping. I think i will post dreams on here now too, not that i have them alot, though it is always great to keep track of them, sometimes so you can even try and tell what you are really thinking!

here is one to start me...

mum and i were in maleny together. i went into a pub and there were two sections, you had to walk through an eatery to get to the bar. i walked through and sitting down in the bar was my friend serge and another french guy. i said "oh hi serge!" and he said "hello kerrie! how are ye?" was a quick chat. i got served at the bar and when i turned around serge + friend were gone.

so i walked out of the bar and my friend emily is standing at the front door of the eatery part. she said "hey! hows it going? come to my house for lunch?" i said "okay. where is your house?" and she said "its next door, big queenslander! you'r mum is already there." so i walked next door to the big house. i liked her dog, he was cute and clumsy.

i walked inside the house and saw mum and i said "mum! i just saw serge next door! he is here in maleny!" and mum said "truly? he lives in france, did he tell you he was coming? why didnt you bring him over?" and i said "he went somewhere. but i might go and check." i said to emily "what is your house address? i will try calling serge to tell him where i am." and she said "i live in boonah". i said "isnt this maleny though?" and she said "yeh, we're in maleny, but my house is in boonah." and i said "oh.. that explains it!" i tried calling serge's phone but there was no answer.

so i walked back to the pub. i got to the entrance of the eatery part and my friend holly was sitting there with a friend, eating a meal! i said "hi holly!" and she said "hey kerrie!" i asked her if i could borrow her shoes because i wasnt wearing any (i dont know if i was wearing them in the start of the dream or not). so holly leant her shoes and i walked outside, around the side of the pub and found a large group of people sitting down at the back of the pub. i was looking around and a man said "who are you looking for?" and i said "some friends.." and he said "i cant give you any names though" and i was confused because i didnt know what he was on about. i said "im looking for two french guys, they were here before. i know one of them." and the man pointed to a sign on the wall that said "Dingle Hotel, Goodna" (mind you, dingle is actually a place in ireland that mum and i stayed in while we were overseas lol)

so i shrugged and headed back to emilys house. i just got inside and told mum that serge was staying in goodna when there was a knock at the door.. michael sam, paige, brooke and charlotte (my brother and his family) had just arrived.

then mika's alarm woke me up....

spiral babies

2006-02-24T20:11:00.000+10:00

much love, a long wait >>>>>>>> spirally the mama has arrived.

*~* Welcome, Spiral Mama *~*
((((((((((((((( good energy )))))))))))))))

lovelovelove kare, mika & oaktree XO

Ocean Oaktree

2006-02-22T07:17:00.000+10:00

Ayla during her first ocean swim. It was a calm day at the beach in Hervey Bay, about 5 hours north of Brisbane.

Mika and I stayed up there with his family for a few days.

We spent one day at Frazer Island, though Ayla didnt come with us. I wish she did. We'll go again with her.

teething on hold?

2006-02-22T07:03:00.001+10:00

Lately Aylee seems more content with less crying episodes. We think teething is on hold again. Mum says sometimes teeth descend towards the gum and have short breaks before continuing their journey.

We started her in cloth nappies last week. I think she is enjoying them. Occassionally she wees straight through them once you put a new one on, though it is healthier for her skin and better on the environment. I want to persist.

you're kidding!

2006-02-21T13:19:00.000+10:00

Since starting studies at tafe im finding this course to be far more interesting that what it first seemed..

today we learned of a devilish little man known as "John Watson."

believed to be a great psychologist by some (deffinately not me..) he discovered "behaviourism" (part there of..)

Here is his theory towards infants:

"Give me a dozen healthy infants, well-formed, and my own specified world to bring them up in and I'll guarantee to take any one at random and train him to become any type of specialist I might select – doctor, lawyer, artist, merchant-chief and, yes, even beggar-man and thief, regardless of his talents, penchants, tendencies, abilities, vocations, and race of his ancestors.
I am going beyond my facts and I admit it, but so have the advocates of the contrary and they have been doing it for many thousands of years." (1930)

- John Watson.

we watched a video of some of his experiments on infants.. he would chose an infant, then show a number of animals to the infant and find the one the child seemed most afraid of.. then he would either put that animal on the childs lap - as to try and scar the child of the image for life... he would even put a cardboard face mask on and do freakish gestures with his hands, which made the toddler

crawl as fast from him as possible, he even went to great lengths to chase them while wearing the mask... tried to scar them for life... then said "he can change their preferences mentally"... awful man...

one child in the video was petrified of the rabbit.. so he just dumped this very large bunny on the childs lap and the child was only about 12 months of age and he was screaming and his hands were waving around frantically.. and they made him sit there for the demonstration

apparently in the 1930's it was one of the most biggest breakthroughs they had in child psychology... so they thought.. so parents didnt mind offering up their children for these experiments..

but.. trying to scar their children.. plant fears in their minds... its insane!

please share your thoughts!

kare.

going it barefoot

2006-02-05T08:21:00.000+10:00

Do you ever just kick off your shoes and walk in the wet grass, tip-toe over the gravel in your driveway, run in the long grass, roll down the hill, run your hands over the trunk of the tree.. Soak it all in?

We are living in the here, in the now. Not in the past. Not worrying about the future and what it holds.

We don't want to be beginning our lives when we turn old and grey..

We want to be continuing our lives when we are old and free!

our sanctuary

2006-02-05T08:08:00.000+10:00

I am going to miss our beautiful back yard if and when the time comes. The owners have put the house up on the market, after months of wondering if they should build a house out of our back yard! I am guessing that with new owners they may let us stay on for a few more months, though the day will come when we have to leave this peacefulness. And I will be very sad to leave this sanctuary.

Growing.

2006-02-05T07:12:00.000+10:00

Today is so beautiful out in the rain.
The light, the trees, the green, so refreshing.

Mika has been working everyday since thursday so Aylee and I have been at home together, having girl-time to chat, laugh and dance. Who needs a night out on the town when I can hold her little hands and dance with her here at home?

Ayla is getting bigger as the weeks go by. Mika's sister held her the other night and just seeing someone other than Mika and myself hold her standing up made me realise just how quickly she is growing now. Our baby is getting older, as silly as it might seem to think about growing up already, that is exactly what is happening though. Soon enough I am sure she will be beginning school and turning 18. Ho hum, best I don't go there..

waiting in long que's

2006-02-03T07:02:00.000+10:00

okay.

i went to centrelink bright and early yesterday with everything they told me to go back with. waited in line for 45 mins. got to the counter. the lady stamped a few things, closed the papers and put them aside. she said i would have to bring my birth certificate or passport back along with mika's drivers license.

so i drive home and get my passport and mika's license. go back to centrelink and i wait for a further 60 mins in line. get to the counter. the lady photocopies some things, closes the papers and puts them aside. she smiles and says "great. I will process them over the next few days and you should know in 1-2 weeks by post if you are approved. NEXT"

i don't budge from the service desk. tell the lady that i need to know by next tuesday for enrolment. she says "im sorry, you will just have to wait." and i tell her i cant afford to enrol if i dont have this card.. i need it when i enrol on tuesday. with alot of splutter, she re-opens the papers.. five minutes later i am approved to have the health care card. she gave me a document stating that my application has been approved so i only have to pay $500 to the course each semester... which means.... i should be able to afford the course now, no worries.. even if i still use abit of the money mum has given me towards textbooks or other things i might need for the course.

i just felt so stressed yesterday wondering if centrelink would approve me to do this. i came home afterwards feeling so much better though. it has taken alot of worries away from me.

the cons of centrelink:

waiting in line for hours to be served
no seating near the que's for anyone to sit down
getting to the counter and having them say "you need to bring this in.."
hearing the agony of other customers when they find out they arent able to get help

the pros of centrelink:

once you leave you usually dont have to go back for a while..
if you are approved you can walk away and feel like the wait was worth it a little

cons out-way the pros, but it's true. if you are approved for whatever you were there for, you end up walking out feeling like the wait was not so bad as it first seemed. however, if you aren't approved, which many aren't, you leave cursing and disliking centrelink more-so.

OH, and did i tell you?
I resigned from Origin Energy.. huge smiles.

so much to organise

2006-02-02T08:30:00.000+10:00

what a screwed up day!!

i found out today that the course is going to cost me $1500 for 1 year... unless i have a health care card.. then it will cost $1000!! either way i dont have that kind of money!! sad ... i have to get the health care card so the course wont be to expensive...

so.. i went to centrelink who say that it will take a few weeks for the card to come in the mail... until then, they say i should hold off on enrolling at the tafe...

the tafe says i cant start the course on the 13th unless i have enrolled.

BIG MESS. i am going to go to the tafe tomorrow to discuss what my options are about payment.

2nd issue isnt so bad as we can sit tight and wait, but we have to apply for a parenting payment as money is very low and very tight at the moment. Cetrelink have made an appointment for us on the 21st of feb to see what they can do for us to help.

---
mum is already lending me $400 for the course.. I just have to find the other $250 if i dont get the health care card... a friend said centrelink are required to give me a TEMPORARY health care card until mine arrives in the mail!!!... i have to go back to centrelink today to hand in the health care card...so i will ask if i can have one then!!

yesterday i was wainting in line for 75 mins!!!!

i really want to pay upfront so i dont have to worry about payments... until mid year anyway.. ! :-s

To those of you. I love you.

2006-01-28T14:08:00.001+10:00

I L.O.V.E you..... Spiral, Finchie, Sue & Kaz. And I-am-the-sky - Thank you

.*.*.

I have updated the art website.. www.visualartist.info/kareflanagan - Check it out :)

.*.*.

Enjoy your day, Kare xo MWA!

::: I know this particular singer has been around for a pretty long time now.. But i just wanted to mention her anyway! Kate Bush is really starting to grow on me now. It all started with my sister Sue, taping some filmclips early on rage (music programme in Australia) one morning. I was over her house the next day and she asked me to listen to this song called Wuthering Heights. At first I didn't really like the song, though I thought she was very entertaining. In the filmclip, Kate was on a hill wearing this frilly red dress. Black hair and dress blowing in the wind, you would be expecting your typical 80's style love song. But not this song. Dancing around like a romantic and delicate flower, I was smiling so broadly when I left my sister's house that day. Since then, I have been playing that one song over and over, I just love it so much now. I will post some lyrics up here :::

Ooh, it gets dark! It gets lonely,
On the other side from you.
I pine a lot. I find the lot
Falls through without you.
I'm coming back, love,
Cruel Heathcliff, my one dream,
My only master.

Too long I roamed in the night.
I'm coming back to his side, to put it right.
I'm coming home to wuthering, wuthering,
Wuthering Heights,

Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy, come home. I´m so cold,
let me in-a-your window.

- Kate Brush, Wuthering Heights.

What is your advice for me?

2006-01-27T12:35:00.000+10:00

Okay, here is the dilema.

My maternity leave ends in June 06. Though I wrote an email to my boss 3 weeks ago to see if it was possible to return to work 1-2 days a week now (I didnt tell him, though finances are very bad for us right now.. money is low and i need to get back into work to help out!)

In the past, when I have asked my boss if I could study part-time and work part-time, the answer was a big fat NO. He said that my job was a full-time job, if I wanted to study, I would have to resign. End of discussion.

And just this week, I got accepted to do the child services course!!

Soo.. I could return to work, however this course begins mid-feb and if my boss finds out I am studying, he will more than likely tell me to chose!

I am thinking about putting in some resumes at child care centres.. Adding a note saying that I am learning by having my own bub.. Also doing the cert 3 in child studies this year.. Don't like my chances, but worth a try, I figure.. What do you think??

I know that if my boss finds out I am studying he will probably tell me not to bother coming back! and with tafe beginning mid-feb... prob not me worth going back at all anyway!!

true? hmm Your thoughts??... please!

I got accepted!!!

2006-01-25T17:17:00.000+10:00

i applied to do a 1 year course in Childrens Services a few weeks ago now...
i received the following letter in the mail :)

Dear Student,
Congratulations, you have been accepted into Certificate 3 in Children's Services as a student at the Bundamba Campus for 2006. If you would like to accept this offer, please respond to the institute by friday 27th January 2006.
Compulsory orientation sessions for this course will be held on 1st and 7th of February in the theatre.
Yours Sincerely,
Natalie Reid.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

just some jobs this might lead to...

# child care assistant
# teacher aide
# kindergarten assistant
# certified child care assistant - can work from own home.
# social worker for troubled childen in broken families
# social services councillor for children

i really like the idea of councilling children.. and kindergarten assistant.. and teacher aide..
no words could sum up my excitement at this stage i don't think. so i won't try.

Series ?

2006-01-21T09:42:00.000+10:00

I am thinking of doing a series on "Love, Mother, Earth."

I have a deep connection with earthy colours and I'm not sure if they would be popular, but I feel it is something I can do as a connection to my inner self.

Where do we begin?

Over in Argentina, everyone has a watch. But everyone is late. Watches are set at the right time. Everyone makes plans "meet you at nine." But they show up hours late, sometimes days late - with no explanation or appology. Because they were too busy living to keep appointments.

Rude.. *laughs, but.. to the point, I guess. I just thought that was cute :)

an excerpt

2006-01-20T08:11:00.000+10:00

Whom do you need to forgive?

Do you have a personal list of people whom you need to forgive?
I am currently reading a book by Lama Surya Das called 'Awakening The Buddhist Heart.

In the book there is an exercise where you write a list of people you need to forgive, in order to be able to move on with your life with ease and happiness.

I'm going to make a list here.

Mother - for drinking when i was younger; for sending me to bed when i was screaming with a tick in my head because she was more concerned about drinking her beer; driving me to the doctors drunk and having the doctor tell my mother she was a bad person for drink driving & picking a tick out of my head when she didnt know what she was doing; acting like everything is fine all of the time even when someone dies or is very ill.

Father - for being an alcoholic; for never spending any time with me because the football, cricket or news was on t.v; for only showing me affection when you could barely keep your eyes open from the drink; for not caring for your animals, but locking them up like they are prisoners, smacking them when they play up because they long for a nice walk.

Shaun (my brother) - for telling me i looked like a powerpoint when i was little; for picking me up by my neck and holding me up to the fan while it was on, because i wanted to play with him and his friend; for having a split personality and scaring me, even though i know it is the drugs doing it; for beating my father black & blue; for putting speed in my fathers cigarette and watch him stumble around the house & laughing at him.

Michael (my brother) - for telling his daughters to give their 'ugly' aunty a hug hello; only calling me when he wants to borrow something; for not caring about me as his sister.

Susan (friend) - for having no compassion or empathy towards mutual friends, for her family members or neices; for making me feel sad and empty each time she leaves because of her negativity.

... I think that is all.

Woodford Photos

2006-01-20T07:49:00.000+10:00

I almost forgot...

ash grunwald

audience for ash

kare & kaz

kaz & russ

tenzin choegyal - the most peaceful music ever.

A Tough Day!

2006-01-20T07:30:00.001+10:00

I am feeling better.

what was complete depression last friday, is a breakthrough for this friday. ive come to acknowledge, thanks to tahne, that maybe what happened last friday, was hanging over me the whole time since Aylas birth.. it needed to surface and come out so i could be free'd of it.

not being able to breastfeed was a very hard time for me and although i felt sad about it at the time, i pushed on telling myself that it was alright, ayla was well and happy so there was nothing to worry about. though on friday all of my emotions just surfaced and poured out and i wasnt sure how to handle it. i dont blog much anymore, but i used an entry to help get my thoughts out, my feelings.

just one of those sad days. but i must learn from it.

my lesson: begin to acknowledge all emotions when they approach, but let them pass without thinking into them too much.

my aim is to be able to wake up, tell mika 'i feel a bit sad at the moment' - (maybe talk about why i could be feeling this way) i am acknowledging it, talking about it, but not getting too caught up in it.. then, let the emotion pass in its own time.

even if it means i read a book in that time, sit out under the trees and meditate or hug ayla.

if i should sorround myself with things that i love i have a chance of learning how to avoid this in future. i can only try and learn from it.

*-----*-----*-----*-----*-----*-----*-----*-----*-----*

On a happier note, here are some beautiful photos :)

Wishing everyone well. xo.

Feeling Down ...

2006-01-16T08:40:00.000+10:00

on friday i felt at my worst, i needed to talk to someone mostly then, but i couldnt bare with the "everything will be fine" speech.. something went terribly wrong and i fear i may be getting sick. i know it sounds strange but i just felt so completely seperated from everything..

i was very close to just leaving.. i felt so sure that ayla and michael didnt need me at all.. it was extremely painful. i felt at the time that ayla would only need me if i was breasfeeding her.. because she is bottle fed, anyone can do it, anyone can change her, cradle her.. i literally just broke down.. i know rightfully that i tried breastfeeding her and i understand that it just couldnt work.. but psychologically i just feel like i have failed - and i really cannot explain it any better than that.

michael is always only playing of course.. he always calls ayla HIS baby and i literally took that the wrong way on friday... i was actually thinking ayla was only his.. that i had no part in their lives.. that i couldnt be any good to ayla and only make her life miserable.

it was like i was standing back and watching life carry on with just the two of them... it tore me apart.

i just need someone to talk to.. ive told michael how i feel but i dont think he completely understands how deep this goes. i love ayla and michael.. but this awful feeling... i just have to get it out....

Regina Spektor ..

2005-12-31T13:51:00.000+10:00

just discovered this girls voice... has probably been around a long time - im slow with these things ye know!

check her out! her name is regina spektor... have you heard of her?

www.reginaspektor.com/

stay catholic?

2005-12-26T23:03:00.000+10:00

dont ask me why.. i have never believed in abortions personally, not for me.... i have no idea why i looked it up - curiousity maybe?

http://www.staycatholic.com/what_is_abortion.htm

all i can say is i am suddenly feeling very ill and crying all at once. this information makes me grieve.

ayla, i love you and i am soo soo very glad we have you in our lives. i loved you from the moment i felt you- before you even let me know you were there. and i have never been happier in this life.

In... In What?!

2005-12-22T08:58:00.000+10:00

"Inside An Orange"............

"In The Blue"......

Long Gaps and Such..

2005-12-20T08:42:00.000+10:00

many appologies for the long space between my last blog entry and now. but all is well so i hope everything with everybody else is just as good!

christmas is this week and i cannot believe it has snuck up on us all so fast, yes, even though we were all well aware of it lol.

we are doing work around the house and gardens today to get everything in order for the new year, also because we have another house inspection coming up in the next few weeks.

we found out a few weeks ago that the owners want to tear down our beautiful back yard and build another house there... when will the world stop being money hungry - well simple, it wont. and it is sad.

i have been getting as many ideas out onto canvas lately.. adding new paintings to ebay to see how they go.. so far they are doing alright.. ive nothing to complain about. out of every 5 or 6 paintings i seem to sell 1, so i am going to stick with it and see what comes of it..

ayla is getting plumper every day now.. she had a bad night lastnight as wind was giving her some discomfort, poor darlin. she is in her big cot now wriggling around though.

thought for the day :

when i smile, not only do i feel happy, but i also bring a ray of hope into the lives of others.

some new paintings:

Title: Green Maze

Title: Purple Maze

Title: Mother & Child

Title: Anne of The Annexe

Title: Girl In City

Title: Hail Storm

love feedback, so hit me with it if you can ;)

happy christmas and new year (if i dont get back to you before then...)
love kare, mika & ayla oaktree MWA.

Miss Oaktree

2005-12-04T08:46:00.000+10:00

Here are some more pics of Miss Oaktree...

"Hey.. I'm ready for breakfast Mummy"

.....such a poser!

"Can I please have a cuddle?"

Selling ..?

2005-12-04T08:31:00.000+10:00

i am estatic... in the past 2 weeks i have sold two paintings.
one was sent off to sydney yesterday in the post.. and in a few days time, the other
will be on its way to the UK.

i have some artwork owned by relatives in sydney.. but the UK? wow...
i really am beside myself.. i cant believe someone is actually going to own
one of my pieces.. hang it in their home in the UK.... sigh.

flower paintings..

2005-11-29T10:09:00.000+10:00

Green Flowers

I literally just put down the brush from doing the above painting..

---
.....and the one below.. i sold yesterday :D
Blue Flowers

I've been painting alot over the last few days, trying to get enough stock up for the markers in the next 2-3 weeks time. On the right hand side of my blog there is a link to MY ART if you want to have a browse.

Painting is pretty much all I have been up to over the last few days..
Ayla has begun to smile lots :) She smiles atleast once a day! Big beautiful smiles!!

One More

2005-11-24T20:42:00.000+10:00

this will be the last one i do for today, though 2 buddha paintings in one day..
im amazed at myself!!

Serene

Here's A Few

2005-11-24T14:24:00.000+10:00

another....

Blue Flowers

and after some futher study.....
Reflexion

keen to hear what you think..? please let me know!

Paintbrushes

2005-11-24T08:32:00.000+10:00

for the first time in ten months, i picked up my paint brush.

i have been worried over the last few months that with the break i have given myself while pregnant, i may have forgotten just how to paint. it might sound rediculous, though i was set on the belief that i would have to train my mind and my eyes what to see, to be able to paint again.

yesterday i decided to meditate whilst doing a quick floral painting. although flowers arent usually my best thing to paint, i was more or less just trying to keep my mind free of worry and concentrate moreso on where i would place the brush.

the images aren't very good, though the camera went dead and all i had to take the photographs with was my trusty phone..

Tangled Flowers

i need your advice.. any good?

2005-11-23T17:41:00.000+10:00

a friend has asked me today if i would consider later opening a store with her to sell our art/hand made clothing/and printed cards, designs and t-shirts..

how i would love to do this! this would be like a dream come true as i have always wanted to own my own store, selling clothing and handmade homewares..

i really want to do this.. though i think the only way i might be able to afford this is to return to origin for 2 or 3 days a week. i dont see how i could ever possibly find the money otherwise...

eek. sarcastic yay.

2005-11-22T11:50:00.000+10:00

..and i look to the sky. its still there. makes me smile.

2005-11-22T09:47:00.000+10:00

this life; i really dont want to live doing a job (40 hrs a week) that makes me cry.

soo.
i have applied for a job at bunnings, in the gardening area. not sure if casual or part-time positions are available, though it is worth looking into. one of the ladies working at front counter said that if i got into the gardening area there is a pretty good chance bunnings will pay for any horticulture course i might be interested in doing at the local tafe college.

ho. hum.
see how i go, i guess.

ayla; dancing bubba.

emily was online for a little. she is home from hospital, all things going good and well. big smiles.

2005-11-21T07:15:00.000+10:00

you know when you have found yourself a great friend, one you can not see for months (not intentionally) and still get along with really well next time you see them.. someone you can be your true self around, talk about anything and not be judged.. these friends come few and far between but when you find one.... its like opening a present!

pisces
too many minor aggrivations to cope with today, including a sensative person who exaggerates. be patient. apply self-discipline so as to not hurt peoples feelings and pride.

you know the best thing about watching people.. you could sit in a bar all night long and just watch one person for that night.. are they alone? with friends? always smiling? are they missing someone? is there something about them that makes you think about your own life?..

i just love the mystery behind everyone.. expressions - what does that one mean?
oo- can i have another cascade premium thanks? cheers.

ayla is doing really well.. has a sore tummy from wind, though the doctor said there isnt really much we can do for her, though i think this is a lie. well, ive been looking on google trying to find a natural remedy, so i can prove the doctor is lying.. no real success though.
mum tells me boiled water is good.. cleanses out the system, though it doesnt get rid of wind i dont think - as much as mum says it does... ayla is still squirming with discomfort.

anyone have a remedy of their own that they want to share?

2005-11-19T08:43:00.000+10:00

do you catch yourself smiling when something bizaar takes place in your mind? its like watching a play act out, though it hasnt really happened, probably wont happen.. but you cant help think "what if?" ... catch yourself smiling..?

sometimes my mind is totally bizaar, i find myself smiling at the thought of just how many tricks there are in it, like a toybox almost... it is like a giant maze filled with loop holes of "what ifs".. and no, you cant base your life around 'what ifs'...

but it makes me smile anyway.

a new look..

2005-11-18T20:35:00.000+10:00

tonight while starting to prepare dinner i decided to do something with the hair dye that i had bought a few months ago.. felt creative!

i had my hair cut yesterday into a bob, with a short fringe.. i love those short fringes.. you never see enough girls with short fringes!!

and some good news......emily came out of the operation with a big smile on her face and full of positive vibes.. the next few hours are still crucial though everyone in melbourne is happy so far with the outcome.... AND.... ayla is now fast asleep!

ayla - home.

2005-11-18T16:56:00.000+10:00

ayla is home after a night stay at the local hospital.

her ultrasound came back showing NO blockages internally which was a relief, though it then left us without a reason for her upsets lately.

the doctor went on to explain that having a 2 month old baby go off her food is not a good sign and although she was certain ayla might just be having one of those bad "off" days, she wanted to refer her to the local hospital to make sure.

the doctor then went on to explain that a few months back a baby (only a few months old) came in and he had been off his food for 24hours. she was concerned and sent him on to the hospital only to hear later on that the little baby boy was found to have a brain tuma.

you can never be too careful about a sick baby.

ayla was fine in the hospital, the doctor was happy with her and thinks she had had a bit of a tummy bug. we have changed her formula over to one with a thicker consistency for now, see how she goes on that one... though she is still crying a little throughout her feeds, she is much better than she was yesterday and the day before.

so glad to have our bubba back home again!!

a sick baby

2005-11-17T13:52:00.000+10:00

ayla has constantly been throwing up over the last 24 hours. she is just getting enough milk, but throwing up enough to make her cry constantly of hunger.

i took her to the doctors today and the doctor thinks she might have a blockage just before her stomach... so now ayla needs an ultrasound, scheduled for 3.30 today.

you know, i dont want her to have a blockage but if we could find something wrong atleat we might know how to cure it.. right? hmm...

poor bubba :(

for emily.

2005-11-17T08:06:00.000+10:00

a special mantra goes out to my friend Emily.
6am today, would have been about the time she would be heading into theatre for her operation.
just letting you know i am thinking of you and holding hope that you keep your strength and
feel better real soon darlin.

a medicine buddha is in the post, on its way to you.

with love,
kare, mika & ayla x.

images for a free tibet

2005-11-17T07:59:00.000+10:00

these images were posted on the site to help convince the company Bombardier to NOT build a rail track through Tibet.. i probably shouldnt post them here on my blog, though i really liked the lengths people are going to to draw diagrams and the use of people for the rail tracks - makes a great point!

basically, if Bombardier go ahead and build this rail track (by partnering up with China), there is a great fear that Tibet will then lose its culture, language and history to the chinese altogether. everything will be lost for Tibet and its people. you can help by taking a photograph of yourself with a "Bombardier Out Of Tibet" sign and email it to: photos@studentsforafreetibet.org

photos will be published on an international website at: www.bombardieroutoftibet.org

Om Mani Padme Hum

2005-11-15T08:22:00.000+10:00

a good friend is sick at the moment and we are holding a meditation day this thursday. a few of us are travelling to meditate in groups, however i cant make it due to the fact that mika is working and i will be here at home with aylee. i will meditate here.

Embo, as i know her, has a rare blood disease called Moya Moya. it blocks the blood flow around the brain and causes you to have strokes, until it is cured. little is known about the actual disease, how it begins, where it comes from, though at the moment the only life-threatening aspect are the strokes the disease causes you to have.

Embo goes in for bypass surgery this Thursday.

Om Mani Padme Hum.

sunflowers

2005-11-12T19:04:00.000+10:00

we planted some sunflowers in the front garden 2 weeks before aylee came into this life.
they are growing so tall and so fast, thei beauty captures my attention anytime i am out the front of our home.

seven years in tibet

2005-11-12T15:54:00.000+10:00

for the first time in a few years i sat down to watch 'seven years in tibet'.
i cant describe what this movie makes me feel. it makes me cry, smile, laugh and feel such a natural compassion for the tibetan culture and its people.

this is one of the few films i have seen about tibet, though each time i see it it reminds me of the injustice china has cast on tibet, the tragedy, despair and sadness.

it reminds me of the religion that forgives, forgets and loves.

woodford

2005-11-08T14:23:00.000+10:00

ayla berry

woodford season is coming so near now.. mika has decided he doesnt want to go this year because the price has jumped up a little, so a few friends are driving out on one of the days to pick me up from home - which is REALLY kind of them!! finchie & kaz, if you are reading this THANKYOU! :)

kaz & finchie

not sure if i will take aylee, mika said he doesnt mind her staying at him for the day and night, he doesnt think it would be the best idea to take her incase its too hot for her, though i might see how the days are closer to the festival.

havent head back from the tafe as yet about the course.. though hopefully in the next few days i'll get some info in the mail about it.. hopefully :)

wonderful paths of destiny.

2005-11-03T17:20:00.000+10:00

today i am sure ayla gave her first smile. it is so hard to depict, she has alot of wind most days and apparently a smirk of the mouth is often mistaken for a smile - actual fact it is caused by wind.. who would have guessed. well, im going to go right ahead and say that she smiles alot :)

i purchased my woodford ticket this morning. im going for one day and most likely camping there with some friends for the night. we were originally going to go together, mika, ayla & i though mika has decided it is too expensive for us all to go. i wish i could bring ayla but i probably wont be able to get the train home until the next morning and i wont have enough formula for ayla (she still isnt able to breastfeed properly).

we're at a stage where we are trying her at the brest for all of her feeds during the day, at the most she is latching on and breastfeeding for about 10 minutes but then she stops and screams because she doesnt want to have to work for the milk to begin flowing properly.. can be a bit frustrating though we are persevering at best.

i also phoned up about a horticulture class this afternoon at the local tafe (literally a 5minute walk from out front door!) they are going to send some information out to me in the post. i asked about part-time classes and it sounds like i have a great chance of doing one.. means i can still be at home with aylee :) will let you know how that goes!

Website Up & Running

2005-11-03T08:39:00.000+10:00

I finally got the art site up and running. Have lost the domain name, though I think I will just do without for the time being.

You can now view my website through the link on the right hand side of this page titled "MY ART".

ok then.

2005-11-03T08:34:00.000+10:00

Currently working on knitting some colourful headbands which I hope to sell at the Green Flea Markets sometime in the next month of so with Spirally (I am soo excited about Tahne coming back home, finally she gets to meet Aylee - who has been waiting patiently to meet & greet!)

Ayla has been a little ill over the last few days, getting better though. She tends to have these bouts every few weeks apart, Im hoping it is just the heat and nothing more. Shes such a chubba bubba at the moment.. Must weigh around 10 pound by now, I'd say, if not 10, she would be very close to it :-)

art website hassels

2005-10-28T10:29:00.000+10:00

"Lately im being much more inclined to start back up on my art. i miss it. dont know if it misses me though i sure as hell miss it."

so i get intouch with the group who own my website. when i found out i was having a baby i disabled it from public view, as i knew i wouldnt exactly have the time to do much art for that period of time. however, being at home now with some months of time spare (when bub is sleeping..) i am really feeling the urge to get back into the art realm once again.

though there is now a message on my website saying "please contact us on this (american number) if you own this site!" do i call, or wait to hear from the group who own the site?

my thoughts on this:

"hmm.. i dislike confusion."

the site isnt running again just yet, though when it is, i'll let you know.

2005-10-21T02:28:00.000+10:00

"haha mum, jokes on you at 2am in the morning!"

cheekie girl!!!!

troubles breastfeeding

2005-10-17T13:11:00.000+10:00

Courtney with Ayla

Neen with Ayla

Im having troubles with breastfeeding. Ayla will "latch" on but she wont do anything else. Most of the midwives in the hospital say this is because Ayla was born 7 weeks premature and she hasnt yet got her co-ordination down-packed. However I feel as though this is a losing battle.

The lactation consultant from the breastfeeding organisation said Ayla has spent the first 4 weeks of her life feeding from tubes and bottles so she is now trained to feed that way. In order to establish full breastfeeding it might take 4 weeks or more, to get her to go from bottle feeding to breastfeeding.. Almost like taking a step in a different direction and it really is quite a frustrating one!

I've been told to put her to the breast before all of her feeds, it might entice her to take to the breast. However good an idea, all Ayla does is scream when a nipple is pushed into her mouth - who wouldn't scream? If anyone tried that on me i'd kick them in the arse for it.. Maybe that is why she scratches me whenever I try? Who knows!

It really is a frustrating trial at the moment. I really do hope I am strong enough to push past it but at the moment I am finding myself thinking more each day - how good it feels to just warm up a bottle.. This is horrible, awful of me - but this frustrated feeling feels so beyond the both of us now.

Im not sure how this is going to turn out and I know that whichever way it goes, it is up to myself and Ayla. I really honestly never thought there would be anything standing in the way of breastfeeding your baby but I dont know.. It's something I didn't think you would have to work on, that is for sure.

Welcome Home

2005-10-17T12:48:00.000+10:00

Uncle S and Chloe, Nanna F with Ayla

Mama Kare and Ayla, Aunty M with Chloe

Kare and Chloe, Aunty M with Ayla

Yesterday we had a homecoming bbq for our little girl, Ayla.

I didn't take alot of photographs, though I did get some of Ayla and her baby cousin, Chloe, who is just two weeks older than Ayla.

Ayla is wearing green in all of the photos ( - we did play swapsies in the last photograph..)

Around 30 guests showed up which I was thrilled about. I thought the rain would scare off most people from coming, though more than i first thought showed up and it was really nice having a house full of people wanting to welcome Ayla home.

Ayla was sick for some of the night, kept bringing her milk back up in spurts, so we are letting her have a bit of a longer sleep at the moment, hoping she wakes with a fiesty hunger!

2005-10-15T16:10:00.000+10:00

Ayla and Mama Kare

Ayla, sleeping

it's so nice having her home with us. we'd feel lost without her.

ayla - home at last..

2005-10-15T16:02:00.000+10:00

she's home at last. ayla came home from the hospital on sunday, 9th October.

Since Sunday night she has gained almost 1 pound - which i cant believe! Since her birth she has gained 792 grams - her rolls of skin have now filled in and she is looking quite chubby... she is precious to gaze at and all so sweet.

Ayla's Apgar at birth was 9 (a score of 1-10 based on hearing, eyesight and reaction time).

Ayla, smiling (she really has wind but we dont like to admit to that)

Ayla, Aunty Meg and friend, Poppy

Ayla with Nanna D

Ayla with Nanna Flanagan

*~*~* Welcome Home Oaktree *~*~*

live your dreams, spirally xo.

2005-10-04T21:06:00.000+10:00

just a quick message to my beautiful friend tahne, have an awesome time overseas in england and especially in thailand darlin. you have waited for this for so very long - live our your dreams, all my best and dearest wishes go out to you and ash.

ayla will be looking forward to seeing you when you return from your travels lovely!

kare, mika & little oaktree x.

little oaktree

2005-10-04T21:01:00.000+10:00

ayla is still in hospital *big sighs. but she is in the best place for her health right now. we are giving her lots and lots of cuddles every visit we pay to her (usually i stay there for most of the day). they did think she would be coming home mid-week (tomorrow or so..) however she has been holding her breath during some of her bottle feeds over the last few days and turning blue in the face, as she doesnt yet know how to co-ordinate her breathing, sucking from the bottle and swallowing very well as yet.

the hospital agreed with us that it wasnt right to send her home in this state, especially when mika and i are scared to death of it happening here at home, so weve all agreed that ayla is to remain in hospital for a few extra days, give her some extra time to try and overcome this problem.

we love our little darlin and hope she can come home to us very soon, healthy and gurgly *mwa.

breastfeeding bubba

2005-09-24T22:10:00.000+10:00

Tonight Mika and I went up to visit our special little girl. When we arrived the midwife told us that Ayla seemed quite bored of being tube-fed, so she tried her on the bottle with her last feed and she took it really well!

Mika and I were absolutely stoked at this news! I was in the kitchen of the special care nursery, measuring out the milk I had expressed for her night feeds, when Mika came in. I was that excited I immediately flew into an excited verse of how Ayla will be coming home with us soon and how great it will be to have her home with us at last when Mika reminded me that it was probably not the best idea to build my hopes up. I'll keep hoping, I just wont let him know hehe... I can't hide this happiness!

We were there for her next feed when the midwife suggested we see how Ayla would go at the breast.. We tried and I felt a bit disappointed when she showed little interest. We then tried feeding her by bottle and she gulped it down - the sound was like music.. Our little oaktree was actually swallowing milk from a bottle.. We were so happy that her little body was growing and learning. The midwife said that bottle feeding stimulates swallowing in premature babies and asked me to try Ayla at the breast again, after her bottle feed.

To my delight, she took to it and although she fell asleep after a minute or so - that minute felt so beautiful - our little angel will be coming home soon.

I just know it!

little oaktree

2005-09-22T07:20:00.000+10:00

Ayla is doing well in the special care nursery at the hospital. She has been moved out of the incubator and into a crib, with only her oxygen levels being monitored. She still has her feeding tube, aka 'gavage' which goes in her nose down to her tummy, where we feed her 44mls of breastmilk every 3 hours.

Ayla

Ayla and Mama Kare

Ayla and Dad Mika

- our little oaktree -

She has a habit of pulling the feeding tube out of her nose and it has to painfully be put back each time. Lastnight she decided she wasnt hungry and tried pushing the milk back up the tube, which restulted in the nurse having to stand over her and monitor her while we held the tube. One thing is for sure, she is determined to do what she wants! Ayla is deffinately going to be an achiever.

She has lost 0.114 grams since her birth. The midwive said some babies lose weight before they begin to gain any. Im hoping she puts on a little weight soon, so we can practice putting her on the breast more than we are at the moment! I've been expressing colostrum/milk since the birth, averaging around 200mls a day. I've been told that is good, though I've been thinking about trying to pump out more, I'd do it all day if I could, just to make sure Ayla has enough.. but at the moment they are feeding her formula inbetween sessions of breastmilk. Even though I am producing a large amount of milk for our little one, it still isnt enough.

I just hope she keeps it all down, especially after lastnights battle!

We gave her her first bath yesterday at 10am, with the help of one of the midwives. Ayla was wide awake for it, though she didnt make a sound. She just looked around, taking in everything quietly. Occassionally she lets out the odd whine or groan, but otherwise, she only cries for a few seconds, until she can grasp your hand or sees you lean over her - then she knows "aha! i have their attention!" and falls back to sleep.

new day, new feelings... new baby.........!!

2005-09-20T07:26:00.000+10:00

its been so long since my last entry here....everything is going really well here.

i went into early labor last week, i gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Ayla May.

everytime we go to visit her at the hospital (usually twice a day) i find it harder and harder to leave her up there. i want to cuddle her so badly and cradle her but all we can do for the time being is put our hands in and stroke her hands, feet and face. its such a sad feeling. i know things have to be this way in order to make her better and come home to us soon but it honestly feels like we have abandoned her, it is that hard!

i had contractions start on monday morning, but they were very irregular. monday night i came home, i went to bed at 9:30pm, i got up at 12:30am because contractions were not letting me sleep and we were admitted into hospital by 1:30am tuesday morning with contractions - 3 every 10 minutes and an internal suggested i was 3 cms dialated.

they gave me some antibiotics which slow the contractions down, while they gave me two steroid injections to try and prepare aylas lungs for her journey into the world. once the contractions slowed, at 2pm tuesday, they moved me into the maternity ward for observation.

at 4pm contractions started coming ontop of one another again and at 6pm they had a doctor do another internal. the doctor was upset at the midwives because i was 8 cms dialated and he said i should be in the birth suit.

they gave me a drip with vitamins, so ayla might have a bit more strength through the birth. i managed to get quite a bit of sleep inbetween contractions overnight and at 9am wednesday morning the doctor decided it would be best if he broke my waters, as they had been stuck in the same place for 13 hours and he was afraid an infection could start. after this, they put me on a drip of oxytocin to speed up contractions, so they could avoid any infections from getting in to ayla.

at 10.12am, 14.09.05 ayla may made her entrance into the world, 18" (46cm), 2.3kg.

the rain is back

2005-09-05T11:24:00.000+10:00

i woke up lastnight to hear the rain on our tin roof. im so glad it is back for a little bit. im not sure how long it will last for but it comforts me in such a way, i feel that everything is calm and at peace.

"and i look to the sky, it's still there.. makes me smile." - Saritah.

Here are some beautiful pictures to start the new season off - spring. isnt she beautiful?

*~*~^~*~*

new little friend..

2005-08-30T13:42:00.000+10:00

i saw my little friend on the train platform this morning. when i stood up to get on the train he asked me how long i had to go until the baby was born. i said october 30 and he wanted to know if i had other children. when i said no he asked if i was having a little boy baby and i told him i was having a girl and he clapped his hands and said baby girls are cute. this made me laugh.

when i sat down he went through his wallet and pulled out all of his cards and read everyone of them out to me and showed me his work id badge and everything. his name is L* and he works for the missions 3 days a week and he sings country songs for his old friends in a nursing home 2 days a week. hes favourite singer is lee kernighan (country singer) and he likes the rain...

he's a friendly little man. I think alot of people he speaks to on the train aren't sure how to respond to him because of his slight autism though, which is really sad. anyone can see he loves conversation and just wants to meet new faces everyday.. he was asking me questions and alot of people on the train get embarassed when he talks to them because it can be hard to understand him, but i had such a good conversation with him this morning and he seemed really excited that someone was asking him questions. i wish more people gave people like this man more time out of their days. and i thought it was such a great thing, that he works for the missions!! that brightened my morning! i loved that he goes to work for a few days each week to help a good cause in the community - how beautiful is that?!

onto my brain..i cant believe i am actually forgetting so much lately! my memory is just playing dirty tricks on me at the moment.. and i mess up my words and someone will be talking to me and i will be listening but my brain mumbles everything up and i end up answering with something i was talking about 2 or 3 conversations ago.. its like my brain keeps mixing up what im hearing with what i wanted to say and i end up saying things way too late! i hope my brain gets into better order soon and this is just a pregnancy thing! my sister enjoys having a giggle at me when this happens and points out that i made a mistake. and i could handle that just fine but this bladdah incontenance i am experiencing should feel free to leave at anytime it wants to, no really..

sigh.. our bodies are amazing things.

time is near.

2005-08-29T12:03:00.000+10:00

31 weeks.

----------

i am really enjoying pregnancy. i have met so many people in the last few weeks who say "bet you'll be glad when its all over!" truthfully? no, i wont be. i can hold ayla in my arms, be face to face and touch her hand to hand, but i will miss the joy of feeling her in my tummy with every little turn, kick or slight movement that she makes at the moment. i couldnt imagine what it might feel like to not feel that anymore.

we have another appointment at the hospital in a few hours time. i love hearing the fast rhythm of ayla's heart beat at every check-up. its such a beautiful sound. she makes me want to cry somedays when i see the changes my body has taken, and the way my emotions have grown and changed so much over the past 8 months. how can you feel so much like a mama without actually being one yet? all i want to do is care for my family. my little, beautiful family.

our little girl moves around so much, so fast, over the last few days. she is growing stronger every day and i feel that in every movement she makes. she wakes me in the darkness of the night, seeking a new position and already, i feel that she needs that re-assurance that everything is alright. it really is so strange, most i have spoken to say that she wont develop a personality until she is a few months old - it wont be visible until then. i can say quite easily right now that i feel i already know her personality. she seeks calmness and the quiet. she is sure of herself, yet not so sure. she'll seek our hands in times when she feels unsettled and uneasy. and we will be there for ayla always.

2005-08-10T09:33:00.001+10:00

side shot- 28 weeks..
front shot- 28 weeks..

i am convinced that my tummy hasnt grown much over the last 10 weeks practically, although everyone keeps telling me that it has. it is usually after i take shots like this, i compare them to shots taken a few weeks ago and only then, do i actually see the change in growth!

it is hard to believe that ayla is around 35 cm in length right now. how amazing is life, that such a small child, still growing, can actually fit inside there - among all of your vital organs and actually survive for 9 months (practically 10 by the time they birth)..

it still amazes me.

~~~ designs for a beautiful weekend ~~~

2005-08-09T11:24:00.000+10:00

(pic i found online of a henna tattoo on a pregnant woman)

here i am on a tuesday morning, already thinking about the weekend that lay ahead.

i think i will buy a bottle or tube (whatever it comes in) of liquid eyeliner and design a henna-style tattoo on my belly this weekend and have some photos taken in the back garden :) i think it sounds soo beautiful and it is something i have wanted to do since finding out we are going to have a bubbie. (above is a photograph i found online of a pregnant mama who tried the henna design out!)

ayla's room is in such a state! ive been piling her things into the room and shutting the door on the way out so i dont have to worry about it just yet but lastnight when i dreampt that i was holding her in my arms for the first time, watching her feed, looking into her small sparkling eyes and holding her hand - ah, it deffinately got the better of me and i thought instantly that i should atleast try and sort out her room for her a little each day/week... just incase time really does slip away on us!

there is an old set of pale pink drawers in her room which i have been contemplating painting for weeks now - though a friend suggested that maybe i could just put some hand prints over the front of it. im not sure how it'll turn out but at this stage im up for anything fun!

we also hung a wooden chime outside aylas room which is beautiful to listen to early in the morning when you wake up. we have on outside our room also and it is so soothing to sleep to. ayla might not necessarilly find it so soothing - we'll have to see about that..

i think i'll have a look around for some cheap wall hangings though.. anything with a nice pattern and cheap would be perfect for any room in the house, aylas room included!

thats all for now.

hello bubba. we're here for you....

2005-08-08T10:32:00.000+10:00

this is an excerpt from a letter to a friend, which i wrote this morning. this was so special i wanted to post it here for the fondness of memories.

---

"ayla has really cranked up the kicking over the last few days. lastnight when i was trying to sleep, both my hands were resting on my tummy and i swear it was like a tug of war going on inside of me - where one hand was, it would be pushed right out (places i didnt think my tummy could ever stretch to hehe) and then the other hand was pushed out at the same time and a big "thump" to my lower rib (ouch!) i was almost crying/laughing at it all - it was like i had a little alien inside of me, and then - i was so overwhelmed because it is all so beautiful and i just wanted to get up and start sorting out her room right there and then."

It is like I keep forgetting and all a sudden I feel her and I am reminded that we are going to have a little girl join our family.. our little circle, very soon. Its such a special feeling. its so amazing and warm and so powerful.

each morning i am reminded that i am carrying her around, my body is nursing her as she grows stronger and bigger. i roll over in the middle of the night and feel her communicating with me, telling me not to lay this way, or that way, because it limits her playroom. im also told that early-morning kicking and rolling is a sign, that after ayla is born, this might be a preffered feeding time of hers - and she is telling me "wake up mama". oh darlin. she is forever on my mind, even when sometimes i think "is this real? are we really so lucky?" i touch my tummy and smile to myself, that we have been bestowed the greatest gift of all. we have been trusted to care for this beautiful soul.

Im really, very overwhelmed, I cant explain it any better than this.

ah, a nice night at home!

2005-08-05T08:32:00.000+10:00

i left work yesterday feeling a bit down but ran into some friends on the train ride home who made me laugh and forget most of my troubles.

i stayed at mums place until mika finished work, where i got a foot massage, a hot meal and a few nice cups of chai to relax with. thanks mum xo

mika picked me up and we went home. i lost track of time - i cant believe what happened! im usually in bed by 8, 9 at the latest and here i was cleaning and dancing around the house at 10 minutes to midnight! i felt so energetic! (perhaps i was working away all my worries that i had accumulated from work during the day?)

after clearing some boxes out of the way i sat down and worked on mika's dreads for a little, showered, realised what time it was and almost jumped out of my skin! then of course i rushed into bed to try and get to sleep - but of course i was wide awake!!

though i feel great this morning - i feel like i have worked away my worries from yesterday just be going home and clearing some things away and having a bit of a dance (okay - it was to that franz ferninand song that drives me up the wall but i needed to dance!!)

im happy im living with mika again. he has a way of calming my nerves.

2005-08-04T14:48:00.000+10:00

my day was going great, until an engineer told me that i am not worth talking to..

my friend A asked me a question and i didnt know the answer, so i thought i would ask C, who sits near me, if they knew the answer.. they replied with "i don't care what you have to say."

usually i can brush that attitude off like a bit of dust - but not today. my beautiful day turned into an awful one almost instantly.

A asked me if i wanted them to say something to C about what they said, but i dont want anyone to say anything. i just want to leave this place. i feel so hollow here, like i have been stripped of any want to care for anything while i am in here.. in this prison.

with its white walls, small and scarce windows. thats what it is, a prison.
try and smile kare - as often as i tell myself this, it really can be difficult somedays.

make the most of your day

2005-08-04T08:31:00.000+10:00

this morning i got up and looked out the window - clouds were rolling in and i couldnt help but feel energized and thouroughly happy that the rain is finally coming to visit us.

i got up half an hour earlier than usual and made myself a bean, lentil & vegetable salad for lunch along with a fruit salad :)

already with the feeling that today is going to be beautiful, i left our wonderful home for the train station, when i passed a house i havent noticed before. there was a large goose out the front stretching its wings and calling out and there was this beautiful hippie girl out the front of the house, starting to do the gardening. she laughed at the goose and stopped to give him a scratch on his head - i fell inlove with this scenery instantly and thought how wonderful it was that there are so many beautiful people in the world.. you just have to look hard to find them - like hidden treasures!!

then i got to the train station to hear that id missed my train, the next one runs express past my station, though it stops a station before the one i need.. i wasnt running late, so i thought - i'll get this one and walk by the river until i get to the office!

so off i went and i just got in with five beautiful minutes to spare, in which i used it to tell you about my beautiful morning so far :)

i hope you are in peace x.

2005-08-02T09:37:00.000+10:00

27th week.

12.4 weeks to go now.

2005-07-28T12:39:00.000+10:00

"you're so silent."

*~*~*

her name was ayla, so fair and warm.

with smiles like all colours of the rainbow.

and sweetness that melted any beautiful gem.

golden like the rays of the sungod,

and taining her green temptations.

this is our life now, peace to you.

make waves.

flower child.

"no moving for you."

2005-07-28T08:29:00.000+10:00

mum and dad have said no to me borrowing mums car this saturday to move light objects like my clothing to the house we are moving into.

i asked if i could drive mum to work and use her car to make a few light trips to and back from the house with books, clothes, cds etc but my parents ended up telling me (more like yelling at me) that i am not lifting a finger this weekend to move.

mum is convinced i will go into labour early and dad is convinced any lifting at all, will make the umbilical chord get wrapped around aylas neck and stress her out! lovely.

so on saturday mum and i will move one car load of light stuff together, before she goes to work at 10 and then i am to stay put in the house with my feet up for the whole day. that is enough to drive me insane!!

i know i have to take it easy and i have really tried telling them that i am not going to go and do anything silly like lift anything heavy etc but i feel totally hopeless at the moment. i know they just care but they are actually making me feel quite the invalid.

i'll have our car on sunday while mika is at work and my sister called lastnight to say shed like to help move some things on sunday too so im hoping with mum at work and dad pre-occupied with household jobs, sue and i will be able to move my clothes and cd's etc.

mum says she doesnt want me stressing out, so on monday when i intend to start unpacking small objects around the house, she will be at the house at 9am to do it all for me! she has the day off and doesnt want me lifting a finger at all. is this driving anyone else insane? now i cant even unpack knives and forks without them telling me that they will do it all for me.

im sorry, but i really need a strong mug of caffeine this morning!

At 24 weeks

2005-07-26T14:09:00.000+10:00

three whole days until we get into our new home, i cant express how excited i am. i have started nesting around mum and dads house and i dont think they appreciate the way i have totally re-arranged some rooms around their home.. oops!

the real estate called. i took mum and dad around to the house over the weekend and discovered one of the front rooms windows has a crack in it and part of it has even been chipped out (probably caused by the crack).. the real estate said they told the owners, who said they would tend to it immediately and have it fixed hopefully before the weekend, when we move in. the owners also want to put down lino in the kitchen area so it doesnt look so 'daggy' (they sound like really nice people.. cute!) and they want to mend a shade cloth at the back of the house which has falled down too.

i was really impressed with their enthusiasm to do a few things around the house, which really arent needed, though they obviously want it to look nice for us and that is really comforting to know :)

im so sorry for the lack of blogging over the last week. but i am so happy to say that all stress has almost disappeared recently and im feeling very happy at the moment with everything. yes there is alot i still need to get into order but this is a time i shouldnt be worrying and stressing over things - so why should i. all the important things have been organised. now i can rest.

thanks to all my beautiful friends and family who give me a calm state of mind.

2005-07-19T13:16:00.000+10:00

this place creates such good vibes for me.. i just cant wait to get in there and make it homely and welcome all our friends and family through.

we were approved yesterday afternoon for a six month rental lease, though as long as we have a home for now, that is all i am worried about. and as for stress.. it seems to have just lifted over night and dissolved!

here is a photo of our new home to be :)

our home... isnt it beautiful? *sigh*....

house news, no news.

2005-07-18T10:11:00.000+10:00

almost a week since applying for the house we feel would be ideal for our growing family and ideal for our needs, i call the real estate once more to see if the applications have gone any further since Friday morning..

what kind of response is "we will hopefully be able to tell you either this afternoon... or wednesday."

what happened to tuesday?? is there no tuesday this week? is there only five days in this week? ..... i wonder how often that happens!

so all, fingers crossed and hope our little home may be approved within this week sometime, or this lifetime (yeah, a little drastic but thats what it feels like!)

mika has also come up with a nickname for me.. he used to call my betty (when i had short black hair he swore i looked like betty boop)... now its 'amelie boop' after the character amelie in the french movie. i havent seen the movie so i have no idea if this is a good or bad thing..? though he thinks with my new fringe i look just like her.

....if only i could live in france hah!

kicking bad habits..

2005-07-15T09:06:00.000+10:00

i feel so drained, emotionally more than physically - doesnt it all seem like the one thing after a while anyway?

i had my job appraisal yesterday, i feel so sad. the end result came out pointing to the fact that my level of satisfactory efforts have actually dropped to below satisfactory and despite my boss assuring me that maybe it is the pregnancy that is making me feel like i cant do any better at this job, and despite my dislike for this job, i went home and cried for the fact that i felt like i have failed, even a task which i claim is far too tedious and boring.. and i failed.

with the amounts of oils and nag champa i burned lastnight nothing even lifted my spirits remotely and sleep came only rarely throughout the night. my cat however did sense my mood and gave me lots of kitty-cuddles which i was grateful for, but i just could not beat the feeling of failure.

this morning i am feeling a little better - it could be much much worse. ive deleted msn from my computer, although it doesnt usually interfer much with the work i do im determined to turn this game play around before my 9 weeks of work is up here.

if i could just kick in a straight line..

2005-07-14T09:07:00.000+10:00

i get a little bored of my hairstyle pretty easily, most of the time. lastnight i decided i wanted to give myself a syle that i liked, and not one which a normal hairdresser would usually comment with "your fringe will be really short, are you sure you want it that way?" and still cut it way too long! its like they have a fear of cutting too much hair off! it grows back, do it!

so i took to my hair with an old pair of very blunt scissors (i can hear those hairdressers "tsk-tsk'ing" in my ear now..) and wella.. i love it.

i used to chop my hair all the time when i had it short for a few years in a row and only got in the habit of going to the hairdressers when it was at that inbetween stage (when i couldnt see what i was cutting basically).

what ever happened to creative flair..

we need a new home

2005-07-13T15:11:00.000+10:00

we have been searching for a new home to start our family in for a few days now.. happy to say that one we have applied for (and feels like home the most) looks like it may end up being ours!

as soon as we saw it we sighed with relief. it was like finding our home, that was always our home - sounds so strange.. but it was like putting an old pair of slippers on that you have had for years!

we hope to hear back from the real estate by the end of this week, crossed toes.. we hope this will be our new home.

Kare For Peace

PHOBIA! Exhibition! Fri Oct 13th - 22nd....

We got a house!

Applications

finding a new home

i think its all up to date

overcoming hurt and fear

my happy pants

bringin' it home..

new art website up and running...

getting back to where i once was...

ayla oaktree

when i grow up..

Exhibition "Phobia"

hey now.

not just the baby blues

exhibiting...

My Art Blog

the time limit.

what will i be in 5 years time

i miss old friends

Has anyone seen Capote?

Job offer

dream #102

Eliminating Disease.

dream #101

spiral babies

Ocean Oaktree

teething on hold?

you're kidding!

going it barefoot

our sanctuary

Growing.

waiting in long que's

so much to organise

To those of you. I love you.

What is your advice for me?

I got accepted!!!

Series ?

an excerpt

Woodford Photos

A Tough Day!

Feeling Down ...

Regina Spektor ..

stay catholic?

In... In What?!

Long Gaps and Such..

Miss Oaktree

Selling ..?

flower paintings..

One More

Here's A Few

Paintbrushes

a new look..

ayla - home.

a sick baby

for emily.

images for a free tibet

Om Mani Padme Hum

sunflowers

seven years in tibet

woodford

wonderful paths of destiny.

Website Up & Running

ok then.

art website hassels

troubles breastfeeding

Welcome Home

ayla - home at last..

live your dreams, spirally xo.

little oaktree

breastfeeding bubba

little oaktree

new day, new feelings... new baby.........!!

the rain is back

new little friend..

time is near.

~*~*~ designs for a beautiful weekend ~*~*~

hello bubba. we're here for you....

ah, a nice night at home!

~~~ designs for a beautiful weekend ~~~